Don’t worry, peeps, I’m not going through an existential crisis that translates into a long-winded, pointless, depressing post. My blog is.
When I considered starting a blog, I had pretensions for it to be a “professional” blog. I’m not sure what that really means, but I had read in another blog that this is the thing to do. Faster than you can utter, “Say no more, other blog”, I was on it (assuming that you said that very, very slowly). Even faster, although belatedly, is the realization that without the experience and authority of somebody who’s at a full-time job and well underway in her career, I wasn’t going to have a professional’s blog. Who am I kidding? I’m no Scholarly Communications at Duke, Go To Hellman, or even Annoyed Librarian (as I’m not even a librarian yet).
So what the blog materializes into is, well, a lot of me — my opinions, my proposals for doing stuff, my reactions to various things, my reflections on “books, libs, and scripts”. I stay away from writing posts that say things like “Dang nothing to eat ima ask my dad for money for I can go buy somthing” (not that those aren’t entertaining). I keep to library and bookish matters, and I try to keep my readers in mind as I write so as to not degenerate into soporific mumbling.
Nonetheless, I’m no professional. In reading this blog, you’re not enjoying the experienced, highly paid, insider’s track of libraries, publishing, writing circles, or literary criticism. This whole post is to admit that this bothers me sometimes. I wonder what I’m doing. Is anybody’s interest served by my keeping this blog? Are the things I write about interesting? Am I just creating opportunities for future me to be embarrassed about present me? Am I unintentionally offending people by shooting off my mouth? Am I broadcasting my ignorance, preoccupation with self, and a million other bad, bad things? Am I just wasting my time?
I don’t know. I like writing this blog, but I haven’t written off the day when the questions above get answered negatively. I haven’t discounted the possibility of stopping T&B. Although I can’t detect any flagging interest on my part for now, I also remember how sure I was that I would finish War and Peace. I didn’t. I’ve seen many abandoned blogs, including this touching waiting-to-see-if-it-will-be-abandoned post, and I’m not so special as to think that may not happen here.
Existential angst — this is what it looks like.